I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I woke up under a house in Key West
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize