the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
