I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
