i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
