Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
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