I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
