Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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