It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
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