My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
