so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
