theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
there was a trapeze. enough said
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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