Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
