Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
