Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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