I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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