I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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