I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Its about making memories worth repressing
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize