believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
