I'm drive I can fine osifer
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Randomize
