The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Randomize
