Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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