Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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