and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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