i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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