Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Still dying that you shit outside
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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