How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
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