I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
