he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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