Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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