he wants to bone in the snuggie
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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