It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
