Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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