I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
