I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
