He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
