do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
