I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
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