and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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