He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
