But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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