just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
