My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The feeling are messing with the penis
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
MIDGETS
????
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
