trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
