so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize