there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
