he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Randomize