...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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