another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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