now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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