Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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