saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
