Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Randomize
