He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
