just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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